London
August
A woman and her baby are sat opposite me on the Victoria line, she smiles at me. I wonder if she can sense I have lost my knickers. I text my friend. Later on that afternoon as I am walking home a man rolls down his car window. I can’t make out what he says due to the fact I have something most likely Donda blaring out of my AirPod Pros. I assume he thinks I am a high class prostitute. My friend tells me over what’s app that being mistaken for a prostitute is the biggest compliment one can receive.
July
It’s nice to see you again he says, I couldn’t care less if I never saw you again I think. Earlier in the evening he nearly had a panic attack explaining a toxic lockdown relationship he had gotten himself into. What a baby I thought, get a grip. I can’t be bothered to explain anything about myself so continue to prod him with questions about this relationship which he would rather not answer. I look down at his hands, noticing his nails are chipped with black polish and are 2 inches too long. “Why haven’t you cut your nails?” I ask “I’ve been meaning to I just haven’t had the time”. Well they’re not coming anywhere near me I think.
September
In a different bar I’m sat there muttering away about how DaBaby should not have been cancelled, I can't exactly remember the point I was making but I was refusing to back down. What about Michael Jackson he asks me, whatever that’s different I say. He seems petrified and confused when I bring up the fact Billie Eilish speaks like a black person. At this point things have gotten so dire he tells me how he rebuked Patsy Kensit's offer for a cup of tea and his failure to get a date with Ellie Goulding.
I didn’t want people to get the wrong impression of me so I tell him I had to change my profile song from fuck him all night by Azealia Banks to milkshake by Kelis (as if that makes me sound any better.)
He is lulling around on his sofa, I stare at him full of disgust. “You can come and sit next to me” “I’m fine here” I reply, sipping the premixed pina colada he had given me. I don’t pity him in the way I pity you. What music should I put on he asks me, I don’t know you’re the DJ you decide. He puts on Little Simz. I don’t like this put on Donda now I demand. He connects my phone to the WiFi I put on red scare I sit back watching his face work out what exactly is going on. “What is this” he exclaims “Shut up I’m trying to listen”. “Are you enjoying this” he asks seeming confused as he keeps trying to grab my hand. I skip through Lana del Rey, Dave and then suggest putting on your music to him, that would be weird he says I don’t think it would be but I leave it.
‘Finneas’ girlfriend looks like Billie I say “Are you into incest” he asks me “erm no” I laugh. I’ve pushed him too far but I enjoy pushing people to their limits and it's too late now.
Pacing around stonebridge gardens I stare at the mosaic snake, its eyes glisten back at me. I got what I wanted I guess. I need a smoothie immediately! right now! I need to cleanse my soul with pureed fruit. I end up getting a bagel smothered in butter instead.
“I’m not a feminist” I declare with last nights make-up smudge around my eyes “you what love, how can you not be a feminist?! Are you joking” “No, Well I’m not exactly going to put up a shelf or do any DIY, that’s a man's job right?” I don’t remember his reply because I was tired and didn’t care about whatever he was saying so I stared into space whilst my friend entertained him.
Rummaging around in Tescos for a chocolate bar on my lunch I get the wrong one as I am distracted by the actor telling me how big his new ‘telly’ is. I’ve bought the wrong chocolate bar I type trying to bring some decorum back to the conversation. ‘Were you after Reese Nutrageous I’ve got them in abundance’ he responds ‘I prefer kinder actually’ it's much sweeter.
August
“How do you feel” he asks me “I feel indifferent, I feel numb” I reply. I leave his flat and feel like crying. I get on the bus for one stop before getting off and booking an Uber. I aimlessly scroll my phone in the cab whilst trying to avoid making small talk with the driver. I haven’t answered an email in so long and don’t intend to now. I am so drained I say to my friends in their living room whilst shoving a banana in my mouth and simultaneously sipping between a chamomile tea and a Berocca.
September
I do my best impression of 👉 🥺 👈 whilst taunting you with the fact we could be friends with benefits. “For fuck sake is that how you feel”, I don’t reply. “I’ve friend zoned you so hard” he laughs as if it's something to be proud of. “I think you’ll find I friend zoned you first” I say back. “Well we can just be friends for now” he says knowing full well it will never be more than friends again.
May
Over what’s app he tells me how he wants children, I certainly won’t be the mother of your child I think. I reply back that the only way I would have a child is via surrogacy so whilst the surrogate is giving birth I am sat next to her scrolling on the latest dating app trying to find my new shag.
June
You need to eat he tells me, I was paranoid people would think I had spiked your drink or something. A few months later I am on a date where I feel pressured to eat too much food, I’ve been on a binge ever since then.
“I’m only here because apparently you’re the best straight man my friends have ever met” I say doubtfully, knowing it will increase his ever growing ego.
He makes a fire in what he calls a fire pit but which actually looks like a black metal bin, “aren’t I manly” he says whilst laying by the bin blowing at the fire. I don’t reply. Presenting me later with his array of watercolour paintings I laugh and sit across the room from him on an uncomfortable but ‘stylish’ looking chair. I cut my thumb open on a Swiss army knife I found on a bedside table, it takes a few seconds for the blood to seep out. “Lick it better” he begrudgingly takes my thumb before asking if I have Hep C. Of course not. I brandish a barbie baby doll from my Miu Miu handbag “Do you like my dolly?” “Kiss the dolly” I demand.
July
“How many wines until you text him” my friend laughs at me “Erm I’m obviously not going to text him” knowing full well I certainly will. In my head I’ve lost all my friends I am walking around in circles I bump into a cleaner and open another door. I drag someone into a cubicle and lock the door I look at him and laugh unlock the door and walk out leaving him in the ladies toilets. He is lifting me up like it's the Bat Mitzvah I never had the music is loud I feel invincible. I go up to him and say “why won’t you get with me”. “I’m seeing someone” he tells me, “that doesn’t matter” I shout back over the noise. I find my friend in the smoking area, a woman is explaining something I have no recollection of and shows me her phone suddenly the night is over and we are leaving. Outside my friend asks why are you holding 2 phones? I don’t know I reply looking at the magnified text on the stray phone I had picked up. My friend informs me I snogged an old man in a zoot suit. Two days later I get covid.
April
He is everything I hate about gentrification I moan to my friend. The last time I saw him was such a chore I couldn’t be bothered to be present, he thinks he is above everything. On our first date we traipsed around a park “have you ever been on seeking arrangements” he asked me. It takes me a while to remember what seeking arrangements is. No I haven’t I say bemused. Later on he asks me what my type is what a strange question to ask someone on a date I think surely you would be the person's type if you’re willing to attend. I tell him someone ‘creative’ which is a lie but he doesn’t press any further on the matter.
October
We’ve exhausted all routes of conversation after 3 hours. I sip my drink through my soggy paper straw. “Do you want to make out” he asks Pardon I say as I genuinely did not hear him. He repeats the question again, I laugh “Smooth”.
November
“You’re such a horrible nasty pig” my friend tells me “At least I know it” I say sipping my white wine.
Maxine Beiny is a fashion designer.